O, James doth seeketh letters from Silent Hill!
by Grub
Summary: A butchering of Silent Hill - Psuedo-Shakespearian style! Intermission up!
1. Default Chapter

"In mine restless dreams, I see that town, Silent Hill. Thou promised that thou would take me again someday, but alas, thou doth not. I am alone there now, ineth our 'special place'. Waiting for thou."  
  
JAMES: I hast gotten a letter. The name on mine envelope saideth 'Mary.' My wife's name... It's preposterous, couldn't possibly be true... That's what I keep telling myself... A dead person shalt not, couldeth not, write a letter. Mary doth die of her damned disease three years ago. Alas, why art I looking for her? Our 'special place'... What couldeth she had meant? This whole town was our special place. Doth she mean the park on the lake? We spendeth the whole day there. Just the two of us, staring at the water. Couldeth Mary really be there? Art she really alive... waiting for me?  
  
----------  
  
Cemetary  
  
JAMES: Pardon me, good lady, but ---  
  
ANGELA: YARGH!  
  
JAMES: O, woman of much fear, I doth not proclaim myself as a demon for I hath lost my path ! ANGELA: Thou art lost?  
  
JAMES: Yes, good woman. I art seeking Silent Hill. Doth thou know the right direction?  
  
ANGELA: Thou art going in thy right direction! This fog hath blinded many travelers to only a few feet! Thou shalt not miss it!  
  
JAMES: Blesses from God to thou from Above, holy creature!  
  
ANGELA: But alas --  
  
JAMES: ?  
  
ANGELA: I thinketh that thou shalt stay away! 'Tis hard to explain, but alas, there art something horrible about this town!  
  
JAMES: Is it harmful?  
  
ANGELA: Perhaps, and thou art not only be limited by thou fear of fog!  
  
JAMES: Yes. Good. Thanketh.  
  
ANGELA: Doth thou thinketh I am a deceiver?  
  
JAMES: No, I believeth of thou, but alas, I doth not worry about it. I art going to town.  
  
ANGELA: O, innocent adventurer, why doth thou doeth this mighty task?  
  
JAMES: I doth bear mine burden of seeketh of.. Someone.  
  
ANGELA: Who doth thou art seeketh?  
  
JAMES: Someone.. Very important to me. I'd do anything to beeth with her again.  
  
ANGELA: Fascinating, seeker of valuable person! I art also seeketh important persons! I art looketh for my mama, I meaneth mother, for she and I hath not met for a long time. My father and dearest brother wereth here, but alas, I can not findeth them either.  
  
JAMES: No not dispair for I pray that you shalt findeth them!  
  
ANGELA: And I thou!  
  
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End of first chapter. Please review and tell me what you "thinketh"! Thanks! 


	2. Thou Shalt Not Sing

Thanks for the reviews. ^_^  
  
Now, onto the - uh - story! Yeah, that's what it is!  
  
----  
  
CHAPTER 2: THOU SHALT NOT SING  
  
---  
  
After running down a very strange long path, constantly checking behind him for a barbaric stalker, James arrives in town.  
  
James: Hark! I hath cometh to seeth thou true heart, O, light of my life!  
  
James listens for a moment. Crickets chirp nearby.  
  
James: Mary, O, sweet Mary, doth thou not heareth my call?  
  
Listen. Silent. Crickets.  
  
James: Doth thou not love me? Doth thou wisheth me to jumpeth off a tall cliff and become a martyr for thou?  
  
Listen silent crickets.  
  
James: Crickets! Thou art want me to listen to thou wonderful crickets!  
  
The crickets implode.  
  
James: Perhaps thou doth not want me to like crickets?  
  
James waits for a moment.. Then another.. then another.. The day wears on as James wait.  
  
James: I art still waitingeth for thou great response! What doth thou want me to doeth?  
  
A butterfly flutters by.  
  
James: Ah, the wonderful majestic flutterby! Thou dost want me to follow thou personal flutterby, yes?  
  
Suddenly, A BLIZZARD OF BUTTERFLIES COMES CRASHING FROM THE HEAVENS!  
  
James: Argh! Thou doth want me to love thou flutterbys!. I doeth! I DOETH!!  
  
There is a quiet sigh somewhere.  
  
The hysterically hillarious flash flood of the horde of butterflies stops on a dime.  
  
James walks over, digs through the butterflies, snags the dime, and puts it in his pocket.  
  
James: O, greatest Mary out of all the Marys in the world, thou hath understood me! But alas, what shalt I do now...?  
  
Crickets.  
  
James: Er.. O, greatest Mary out of all the Marys in the world, thou hath understood me! But alas, what shalt I do now... eth?  
  
A butterfly limps out of the skittering mound and flies sloppily into the fog.  
  
James: Thou doth want me to followeth thou flutterby! So shalt it beeth said, so shalt it beeth done!  
  
James prances joyfully off after the butterfly.  
  
James: La-la-la-la-la-la-la.. !  
  
He follows it down an alleyway and down a dirt path before it coughs pathetically and lands dead in front of a construction site.  
  
James: Thou.. Wanteth me to entereth thou.. Er.. Construction site?  
  
A piece of wood breaks off of a lazily put together wood fence.  
  
James: Ooookay ..  
  
He steps through a crack large enough for him to fit through.  
  
Something is hissing nearby.. No, not hissing.. Playing! It's a recorder! It keeps on playing with a person to play it.  
  
James: Such fine tastes thou haveth, O fine Mary! I never kneweth that thou loved the instrument of such heavenly pleasentry!  
  
Something gets up from some rubble. It's.. Something horrible.. No. It's..  
  
James: THOU ART AN EVIL MINSTREL!  
  
Minstrel: O brave sir James, sir James of --  
  
James: Willeth thou art please stop thou singing?  
  
Minstrel: Thou James had ki-  
  
James: SHUT UP!  
  
Minstrel: -is wife!  
  
James: I HAST WISHETH THOU TO PLUGETH THOU OWN DIRTY HOLE IN THOU MORONIC FACE! NOWETH I SHALT SMITE YOU BY F O R C E!  
  
He grabs his dime out of his pocket, missing the obvious wooden plank, and tosses it at the minstrel's head. It hits it with a barely audibile * dink * and flies toward the ground, spinning and spinning on it before gravity takes its place, making it lay flat on the ground. The evil minstrel grabs his head and screams -  
  
Minstrel: O, WOE IS ME!  
  
He slumps to the ground, dead. James picks up the dime and prods the dead minstrel with it.  
  
James: Thou art not human? Indeed!  
  
He then walks away with the recorder. It has stopped. James looks to the sky and smiles.  
  
James: I seeth that thou shalt want me to know of absolutely annoyingish minstrels neareth by?  
  
It plays again. James hears something else in the recorder.. A tune of some kind..  
  
James: What.. You.. Say.. About his... Co.. Company.. is.. iiiiiiis.... What you.. What you... Say about.. Society? What art tho-- O, I see! Thou art playing Tom Sawyer byeth an early rock band named Rush! Thou doth haveth good music knowledge, but alas, dost thou knoweth THIS?!  
  
James begins to play a tune.  
  
A crackily voice comes from the recorder.  
  
" .. Er.. Umm... Yeah.. God, that's tough. I mean, Jesus dude, I'm only good at things like Rush and Boston, not friggin' Weezer or something! What do you think I am, a high school student or something? Oh yeah, I WAS a High School student. That's when we first met.. But do you think I'm some sort of a punk rock fanatic, you weirdo?! I hate that crap! Always have!"  
  
James stops abruptly.  
  
James: Noeth, noeth, noteth at alleth!  
  
"Yeah, you just keep telling me that. I know your head! I KNOW YOUR HEAD!"  
  
James: Thou art my psyciatrist? Thou hath beeneth ignoring my most sincereth calls!  
  
"Wha.. What?"  
  
James: For weeks thou hath been ignoring me!  
  
"What in the devil are you talking about?!"  
  
James: THOU KNOWETH I HAVETH PROBLEMS! PROBLEMS THAT ONLY THOU CAN CURETH! THOU DOTH KNOWETH ABOUT MINE CHILD PORN ON MY COMPUTERTH!  
  
"Er.. I'm.. Uhh... Not your shrink."  
  
James: Thou.. Art not?  
  
"............Nope."  
  
James laughs nervously.  
  
James: I.. I.. ALL THOSE BOYS ARE OVER 18!  
  
"Yeah. Sure. God, I KNEW you weren't into me! Espescially with that moustache, your shirt always ripped open to expose your chest hair, and your horrendously creepy Michael Jackson-esque voice! You were just in it for the money, WEREN'T YOU JAMES? You and your weird obsession with SHAKESPEARE! The freak couldn't even spell his own name! YOU SPEAK LIKE IN HIS PLAYS TO HIDE YOUR REAL VOICE!"  
  
James: THOU SHALT NOT SLANDERETH SHAKESPEARE! I SHALT SMITE YOU WITH MY TRUSTYETH DIME!  
  
"OOoooooh, I'm SO scared."  
  
James: Thou shalt be, anyway! IT ISETH A DIMETH OF FEAR!  
  
"Whatever. Later."  
  
The recorder bursts into a million pieces.  
  
James: Mary, couldeth thou not stoppeth the possesseth recorder?  
  
"Moron. I AM Mary."  
  
James looks at the pieces.  
  
James: I SHALT FIND THOU ONE WAYETH OR ANOTHER, DEAD WIFETH OR NOTETH!  
  
"What an IDIOT!"  
  
*over the pieces of the recorder some muffled footsteps are heard and there's another voice.  
  
"Someone call me?" says the voice.  
  
"GO AWAY HARRY!" says the first voice.  
  
James: I LOVETH THOU, MARY, AND I SHALT NOT FLOUNDER IN MY QUEST! 


	3. CHAPTER 3

Since we've last met, James smote an evil minstrel with his Dime of Doom. Since then, he has also found the Penny of Peril and now enters the strange and mysterious..  
  
"Woodview Apartments of Mystery! Bwahahahahahaaaa!"  
  
------- CHAPTER 3 Hotdoggin' It -------  
  
James: Is there anyone here? Shalt anyone reveal thyselves?  
  
James walks up to the stairs.  
  
James: Hello?  
  
Suddenly, there's a deep, horrifying bass noise.  
  
James: Demons stalk the corridors! I shalt beeth nimble liketh a cat in heat around them!  
  
James creeps up to the place where the noise is coming from... The way to the pool in the center of the apartments. Across the area where James is is another door. He goes around the pool and enter the door. He goes up some stairs and finally makes it to the floor with the rumbling noise.  
  
James: The foul spirits shalt not knoweth what hath hit them!  
  
He finds the source of the sound and quietly opens the door, ready to face the horror inside..  
  
"Oh yeah, oh baby, make sweet love at midnight.." plays a song from somewhere.  
  
James: ???  
  
A strange thing is laying on a bed wearing a strange helmet shaped into the form of a pyramid. In front of the bed is a pair of legs with another pair of legs melded into the top. The pyramid head begins to rub its legs.  
  
Pyramid Head: Yeah baby, you know you want me!  
  
Legs: Oh heady!  
  
"Ooohhh lets get it on wooo ooohh ooohh"  
  
Pyramid Head: Let me ask you something, baby!  
  
Legs: ?  
  
Pyramid Head: Do I make you horny, baby? Do I make you randy, yeah?!  
  
Legs: Yes! YES!  
  
Pyramid Head: Yeah, baby!  
  
The pair of legs hops onto the pyramid creature and they twist and convulse into a strange shaking quiver of a form, moans emanating from it.  
  
James slowly but surely creeps up to the form, Penny of Peril in hand. He arrives at a perfect angle, screams a warcry, then tosses the Penny at the form.  
  
Suddenly, the form gets twisted into something else... It's twisting at a marvelous speed. Suddenly, it stops. The Penny has turned it into a balloon animal!  
  
James: Thou hast been smote, foul demon!  
  
Pyramid Head *muffled*: Mmmpmphh mmpphhm mphmhpmh?  
  
Legs *muffled*: Mpphh mpmpmphmh.  
  
James: Thou own screams and begging shalt not maketh me feel pity for thou sins!  
  
James picks up the little balloon and screams -  
  
James: I SHALT CALLETH THIS THE BALLOON OF... Er.. um...  
  
Pyramid Head *muffled*: ?  
  
Legs *muffled*: banana!  
  
Pyramid Head *muffled*: bunny!  
  
Legs *muffled*: brains!  
  
James: THE BALLOON OF.. The.. The... THE BALL.. Bal... B..  
  
Pyramid Head: OH COME ON ALREADY!  
  
Grub: Well, my creativity has just jumped off a cliff everyone.  
  
Pyramid Head: That's pretty obvious.  
  
Grub: If it'll make you feel any better.. I'm not wearing any pants.  
  
Pyramid Head: Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm straight.  
  
Grub: You ar-- I mean, so am I!  
  
Pyramid Head: Yeah, sure.  
  
James: I'VE GOTETH IT! THE BALLOON OF BOOBIES!  
  
Legs: What? That's it?  
  
Pyramid Head: I've heard better names come from a Closer sphincter.  
  
Legs: Wait.. I would love to know how you've come to experience a Closer's ass!  
  
Pyramid Head: Hey baby, it was nothin'! Ain't no harm! I was just in school and the Closer came up and well.. I was young!  
  
Legs: Are you still going out with the Closer?!  
  
Pyramid Head: I WAS EXPERIMENTING!  
  
James: Thou art all insane! INSANE!  
  
Pyramid Head: 'least I didn't ice my wife.  
  
James: Thou art insane! INSANE! INSAAAA-  
  
*BAM* screams a pistol as smoke rises from the barrel. Grub puts away the gun.  
  
Legs: Tha-  
  
Grub: Don't mention it.  
  
James: I.. Musteth.. Escapeth..  
  
James crawls out of the apartment, Penny and Dime in hands.  
  
Grub: You guys wanna go out for some Chinese?  
  
Pyramid Head: Sounds good to me.  
  
Legs: Me too.  
  
Grub: Cool.  
  
From a distance, James cries out..  
  
James: THOU SHALT KNOWETH MY WRATH! er.. somedayeth..  
  
------  
  
COMING SOON: Chapter 4 - Back to the apartments, also known as The Pizza Eating Contest. 


	4. Intermission

-------- THE INTERMISSION --------  
  
James: So... I kinda have this thing..  
  
Says James as he sits on a bench. He looks over to the other side of it.  
  
James: There's this thing.. that I do. I talk in psuedo-shakespearean dialect.  
  
Invisible Monster: Ok. *a pencil and notepad appear out of nowhere and the pencil scribbles some things on the pad* What else have you noticed?  
  
James: That I sometimes imagine that.. Well, I have this dime and this penny, right? Sometimes I see them.. DOING things.  
  
Invisible: What kind of things?  
  
James: I can KILL with my copper.  
  
Invisible: And how does that make you feel?  
  
James: Alone...  
  
Invisible: Alone?  
  
James: I don't have any friends..  
  
Invisible: Perhaps it is your mother's agression upon yourself?  
  
James: No.  
  
Invisible: Your father's?  
  
James: I'm a pill baby.  
  
Invisible: A.. A what?  
  
James: Some guy took a pill, then I came out of his private parts 9 months later. He died during giving birth.  
  
Invisible: For some reason, my crotch hurts right now.  
  
James: Really? No kidding?  
  
Invisible: I can always imagine. So, how does this make you feel?  
  
James: Sad. Depressed. Constipated. Bloated. Dead on a toilet seat.  
  
Invisible: Elvis?  
  
James: YES! IT IS ME, ELVIS!  
  
Invisible: Er.. No.. I was asking if Elvis was making you feel that way. Sometimes people channel in Bubba's spirit. However, it seems that you alre-  
  
James: UH-HUH! HUUH!  
  
Invisible: Listen, Mr. Sunderland, if you want psychological advice from a prison cell ghost, you have to stop going off on these tangents!  
  
James: Come on, Ritual and Are you sure used to be part of your every day vocab!  
  
Invisible: But I've gotten rid of the habit!  
  
James: Come on! I know you wanna!  
  
Invisible: I.. don't.. WANNA! RITTUALLLLL!  
  
James: There ya go! See, I've helped you..  
  
Invisible: arreee you sure?  
  
James: Yes. Have a nice day!  
  
--------  
  
END OF INTERMISSION  
  
-------- 


End file.
